Ah. Several things were working together to prevent me from creating amazing art (not really). First off:
The bluetooth dongle is new, I bought it because I couldn't find my old one. It's a deltaco whatever. I, naturally, thought that they had their routine down pat and installed the drivers that came with the dongle itself. This is bad because:
The drivers and software that you install will not be treated as a bluetooth device in Windows. What this means is that when I installed the tablet itself, it got registered, as it should of been, as a regular HID (mouse).
Now, a mouse doesn't have pressure sensitivity, nor absolute positioning, so of course it wouldn't work.
Uninstalling the deltaco drivers (called BlueSoleil) and letting Windows install their own Bluetooth Device Drivers fixed EVERYTHING. Suddenly I could install the tablet normally, it would connect normally (as a BLUETOOTH DEVICE), and it would work as intended.
Fuck you, Deltaco. Fuck you.
I'll be waiting for someone to misquote that last line to say 'Fuck you, Delta'. [/b]