Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.


On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

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Answer:
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pi**ed.

Nice to see you get the same spam e-mails I get

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

************************************************************

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm
129?"

The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Tbh, if u don't get the same ones as we do...you may as well commit suicide 'cos ur obviously roaming in the wrong circles

i dont get them

i just get proper ones with confidential information in them

Aww poor you.....Im sure Renee or myself will add you to our "who to spam" list if you give us your e-mail address

Hehe, indeed...i got hundreds i could keep u entertained with!

andy.mcgregor at futurenet.co.uk

spam away

Hunts down some whelan and minx inspired lemonpartydotorg spam sites to sign inv up to

M

ROFLMAO

I have a feeling you may live to regret that move Inv....should have sent it private message

Woohoo, let the spamming begin.....

AIRLINE CABIN ANNOUNCEMENTS



All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a
cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was
talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in
Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

hmm, or not! i'm being sent home early, as i've worked soooo hard today ta'ra tittles!

But i sent one, just to keep u going till ur line turns blue!!!

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


You really sure you want our spam Andy?

Too late now, his email address is in my address book

she sent me a camel

I think it was a giraffe....i'd love to be able to post it on here, but after a year of forum posting, i've only just mastered the pictures, so no good with movies and moving piccies!!

ah yeah, a giraffe.

easy to confuse the two as i dont live in the desert, nor africa.

Im done for the day so spamming will have to wait until tomorrow

Is that a nice way of saying they've sacked you?

lol!

the toe kind?

unfortunately not